Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Psychiatric Association To Classify Libertarianism As Sociopathy

January 17, 2006, Washington D.C. - Anonymous sources within the American Psychiatric Association claim that the upcoming fifth edition of the influential Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM-V, will classify libertarianism as a form of sociopathy. A.P.A. spokesperson, Dr. M. Sori Tymesup, told reporters last night that it was A.P.A. policy not to comment upon internal publications prior to their release and suggested that those seeking a more immediate response should “go cry to their mommies.” In a press release issued this morning, the Cato Institute, a libertarian think tank based in Washington D.C., or as they refer to it, "Gov'mnt Sucks City," said they were deeply concerned about the A.P.A. reports and advised fellow libertarians to pray to the free market for strength.

In response to repeated requests for a response, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan responded that the administration was monitoring the situation, adding, "Look, we're never ones to lose sleep about giving people the shaft, but even we have our limits, the ice water in our veins has a freezing point - that's what makes us Compassionate Conservatives. These libertarians must spike their free-trade coffee with liquid nitrogen – they don’t care what the F.D.A. says.”

On the house floor this afternoon, Congressman Bernie Sanders (I-VT) praised the A.P.A. for "their courageous action" and introduced a bill to create seventeen cabinet-level positions to oversee a Federal Bureau of Asymmetrical Government Compassion for Wayward Libertarians Agency Department. "The F.B.A.G.C.W.L.A.D. will be instrumental in forming a commission to study the policy implications of recommending the creation of a congressional oversight sub-committee to monitor the F.B.A.G.C.W.L.A.D.’s Office of Agency Efficiency and Toilet Paper Roll Request Form Processing."

Unconfirmed reports report that across the country, libertarian-activists have been immolating themselves outside local Food Stamp offices. This afternoon, a caped crusader, referring to himself as Freedom Man, was seen outside Federal Election Commission headquarters paying passersby to sign petitions entitled "Freedom for Everyone: Property Uber Alles." Peter Jaworski could not be reached for comment.
Mark H. Herman


  1. Dateline Friday January 20-
    Budding Philosopher Gets Tapped to Write for Onion.

    (SP) Friends of increasingly popular philosopher and graduate student, Mark Herman were surprised Thursday by a job offer before Herman's graduate studies were over. Herman a promising grad student at Bowling Green State University was pulled from his studies Thursday by a phone call offering him a position on the writing staff of the Onion (theonion.com) a satirical news outlet that makes up its stories. Sources say that the Onion's senior writer Hurassmus B. Dragon decided to hire Hermann after reading his coverage of the Libertarianism as social disease debate published in the now popular Unideal Observers blog. When asked if writing for the onion would compromise Hermann's work as a philosopher, Dragon said, "It hasn't stopped the other three philosophers and the economics professor that is our chief editor." Herman could not be reached for comment.


  2. Mark,

    It was thoughtful of you to email MA/PhD list asking if anyone needed a research assistant. I, for one, would love a research assistant! Email me your resume and we'll come to some arrangement...